Last week, someone blatantly told me being an advocate for Karin, my deceased daughter, was not appreciated! Obviously, this person has never experienced the loss of a daughter. I easily speak of my daughter and love talking about her. She is knit into my bones. This person said she wants to know “ME”!!! Well, Karin is part of me. A huge part of me. If you are going to know me, you are going to know Karin. Her children are my grandchildren. I feel an obligation to represent her to her children. No one can know me without knowing my daughter. I am so proud of her and hope to publish a book about her someday.
Besides loving my daughter, I am a genealogist. I talk about all my deceased relatives, including ancestors I never knew! Their lives were building blocks for my family.
There is an astounding thread of devotion and dedication to God in my Rogers family line from generation to generation since 1550 down to my children! Another book I must write someday. My current writing is based on my great great grandfather’s diary when he was a Union soldier in the Civil War. The walls of my house bear visual stories of my ancestors.
Ruminating on this relationship problem, a melody was lilting through my head with the only words I could remember: “I hear your voice clear and loud.” The remaining words were in oblivion. I knew it was an Amy Grant song from long ago. Karin LOVED Amy Grant. Through her upper elementary and young teen years, Amy’s songs rang through our house and car often. A google search brought up the full lyrics to “Everywhere I Go” from Amy Grant’s album – The Collection.
“Everywhere I Go”
I was wasting time
Oh so sure to find somebody
Who’d never go
How could I know
None I’d found was true
None could be but you
The only one love divine
My heart, my mind are yours
[Chorus:]
Everywhere I go
I see your face through the crowd
Everywhere I go
I hear your voice clear and loud
Everywhere I go
You are the light that I see
Everywhere I go
You have found me
Where could my heart go
Where you wouldn’t know to find me
Far, far from here
Still you are near to me
[Chorus]
I have seen you in the evening
In the morning light you hold me
Closer than the air around me
You surround me always
[Chorus]
Songwriters
KORTES, MARYLEE
Published by
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
Wow! Shocking how much this song has meaning for me! And meaning for Karin. I would not be surprised to learn in heaven this is a song which sustained her on her death bed. There is no one who can satisfy our inner longings except God. I “wasted” 42 years with someone who deceived me repeatedly. But, “How could I know.” It was all God’s plan. I was ecstatically happy in my mirage. I have no regrets. That was a huge segment of my life, and the dissolution is caustic but not a calamity. The above mentioned friend doesn’t want to hear about this part of my life either. God does not leave us empty. There is much joy in my life as well. Yet the things which bring me joy are not within this person’s happiness quiver.
Here is a testimony from Karin’s own fingers — the last email she wrote to a close friend before going into the hospital for the last time:
When we were waiting for Kevin to come home, I reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t pray anymore. That probably lasted a few months. I felt like I had already said everything I wanted to say to God, and He wasn’t answering. I was soooo upset. None of it made sense. It took me a couple years after Kevin came home before I finally reconciled the whole situation with God! It was when an adult Sunday School class asked us to share our adoption story and how God worked in our lives. I KNEW that was a God thing!!! I was forced to take the time to think through what God had done for us — and I was finally able to get beyond my bitterness. So praise God for that!!! 🙂 I was pretty shocked to end up in a similar situation again with this adoption process (and it even ended up lasting longer!!!! WOW!!!)….and then cancer in the midst of it!!! But for some reason (ok….God is the reason), my faith hasn’t been wavering through this particular crisis — the biggest of all!! I’ve tried to analyze why that is. All I know is that God is amazing!!!
I cannot add the link here as the song is still under copyright, but if you want to hear it, google – Amy Grant Everywhere I Go YouTube.
Deciphering Life 
Another powerful, heartfelt post. The quote from Karin reminds me of the emails I often read from you. Full of Joy, full of Hope and full of God! Proudly! xo
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Thanks, Melanie! I like being told I remind people of Karin and visa versa! 🙂
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Oh, Nina. I am sorry someone has been so insensitive as to ask you not to talk about Karin. Just this week I have been teaching my pastoral care class about dying, death, and grief, and one of the things I tell them is that for people who are bereaved, hearing their loved ones’ names and being able to talk about them often usually brings healing and comfort. I think this person’s reluctance to hear your stories about Karin is more about her own anxiety and discomfort than anything to do with you. I love reading your reflections about Karin, and I hope you’ll keep on writing them.
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Thanks, Leanna! Karin would love it that you are being a blessing to others!
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Wow. What an amazing piece of your heart. I am stunned that anyone would be critical of what you share or dare to tell you how to deal with the death of your flesh and blood or how to move on.
I love hearing Karin stories and seeing how God moved. I remember being at that prayer gathering at Summit right after her diagnosis. The pain was palpable yet her faith through the questioning and shock of her diagnosis was evident.
I struggled for a long time with the day she went to the hospital. I am now grateful God allowed me that time with her. I was able to be an advocate for her care and able to share in some care for her. I felt almost guilty for being the one with her when we found out how bad off she was and that she would need to be on a ventilator by evening. As a nurse, I knew how serious things were when they had to start blood pressure medicine in the er. (Something we almost never do except in the ICU. Having to call Steve and explain that things were serious. I didn’t know that I would be taking her away from home never to return.
I am grateful for being allowed to be with her and Steve and you and Grant for many times in the ICU. The music that was playing, the prayers and the songs we Sang to her will have a lasting impact.
I miss her and her spirit;) I can only imagine a taste of what it would be like to lose a child, and then a marriage and still be able to see the hand of God at work.
And I am grateful that through those circumstances I was priveleged to get to know you Nina.
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I am so grateful for your support in those dark days, Kathy! You were a blessing then, before, and after! The visage of you and Karin walking out the front door while the kids and I stood in the hallway waving goodbye and blowing kisses is emblazoned in my mind, never realizing at the time it was our last communication with her conscious. Much love.
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