Four years ago today, my world fell apart. Yesterday, the world fell apart for many families in Connecticut. We knew at the time that we had many things to be grateful for in her death, plus we were proud of the way she conducted herself in her final days. Those poor families have nothing to cling to with any form of gratitude. Many told us losing a child is the worst grief. There are twenty families today who would agree! At the time, I thought – no, losing a spouse has to be the bitterest pain.
Karin’s death was only the beginning of my family’s disintegration. Not only did I lose her, but I also lost a granddaughter from Vietnam who was re-adopted by another family. Two years ago on the 18th, I learned I had nefariously lost my spouse. Now I can speak to both loses. Since I did not lose my spouse to death, the loss is not only bereavement but humiliation. Besides the disconnection with the one I considered to be my soulmate, I am disregarded by his family whom I have loved for over 40 years.
After months of pondering, I realize those who lose a spouse take on a new life for better or worse. When you lose a child, your life doesn’t change; it is simply empty of the child lost. That void sears a hole in your heart which nothing can ever replace. For some, a spouse is actually replaceable.
Since I was dependent upon my spouse and not my daughter, I was correct about the loss of a spouse being the greater grief. Yet, through the loss of a husband, God has shown me remarkable joys and comfort. It has been suggested God allowed my loss of Karin in order to prepare me for what was to come. Surely God had better reasons for taking Karin than that. The day after I learned the truth of my situation, which was the second anniversary of Karin’s funeral, I prayed God would somehow be glorified through this pile of sin and adultery. He is answering that prayer as time unfolds and others are changed through my experiences. It is all part of God’s plan. The verse I rejected at Karin’s death as being only for the ancient Israelites, I now embrace: Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Yesterday, I became a great grandmother! Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “…for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”